Have you ever seen the movie ‘Sybil’?  I saw the one with Sally Field.  I think most of us have different personalities that arise depending on the people we are with and the environment we are in.  Not all may be as extreme as others.  I’m a borderline.  I split into three different ones and I’ve actually named them.

Meet Charlie – she’s childlike and maybe childish at times.  She loves to have fun and finds joy in very simple, ordinary things.  She has no fears, no worries, no doubts.  She loves God… as a true friend and older brother.  She’s not afraid to try new things and loves the outdoors and hanging out with friends.  She comes out most when she’s with her nephews and nieces and when she’s at work.  She would even go bungee jumping if asked.

Meet Christine – she is more conservative, timid, really shy.  She is afraid to fail and therefore sometimes even afraid to try new things.  She is worried about what other people think of her and she’s always trying to please everyone.  She doesn’t think what she wants matter.  She believes it to be being selfish to go after or to even do what makes her happy, even if it is something good for her.  She is super, SUPER sensitive.  She cries a lot and is always sorry for when she makes mistakes.  She fears God in a sense that she is even afraid to be close to Him… afraid that He would reject her, or that He has already rejected her because of her imperfections. 

Meet Celine – She is the angry one.  She has fears too but she fights it with hate and self-destruction.  She is envious when others succeed and jealous when other people become close.  She is manipulative, proud, and a loner.  She has a difficult time enjoying family and friends, being grateful for all God has blessed her, growing up.

I am torn between all these three.  Christine is the dominant one.  I’ve somehow lost Charlie.  Celine creeps in constantly and has actually been the influence in me for a long time now, and that is not at all pleasant.  I’m working on getting Charlie back and have her bring out the joy and child in me again.

I wrote this in Advent 2007.  It may be a little late because Christmas is over but the message still holds true.

Christ’s birth, at this time of year, is sometimes sugar-coated with gifts under the tree, of parties among friends and acquaintances, and of gatherings of family and loved ones.  These are all good things.  Some even take time to reflect on all the blessings God has bestowed on them during the year, and pause in their busy lives to give thanks to God.  But there is always the forgotten many, who, especially at this time, suffer and hurt deeply in their own quiet hearts… those who are lost and alone, those who have lost sight of any kind of hope, those who are overwhelmed with fear of their present situation and the uncertainty of their future.

In the events that led to the first coming of our Lord Jesus, we hear a common greeting from the angels as they revealed what was to come.  To Mary, at the Annunciation, Angel Gabriel comforted Mary with ‘Don’t be afraid, Mary; God has been gracious to you.’  To Joseph, the angel also spoke of the words ‘Do not be afraid to take Mary your wife into your home.’  And to the shepherds as they were tending their flocks on the night of Jesus’ birth, first frightened at the appearance of an angel, then filled with peace as the angel said, ‘Don’t be afraid!  I am here with good news for you, which will bring great joy to all the people.’

Webster’s dictionary defines fear as ‘an emotion experienced in anticipation of some specific pain or danger.’  Fear is essential in our lives.  It makes us aware and therefore moves us to be careful and do what is necessary to avoid that danger.  But what of unhealthy fear?   The one that holds us back from living our life to what God has intended.  The fear that takes away both trust and faith in God.  The fear that gives no meaning to hope.  How do we conquer that fear?  How do we rise above it?

Begin by saying, ‘Lord, I am afraid!’  With these words, first we acknowledge that our God is our Lord, our Master.  It is a surrendering at that moment, even in doubt and with questions, for Him to work on us, His creation, His own.  Second, we are admitting our fear to God, exposing our frailty and weakness, and in turn, His power.  And calling out to Him is our reaching out for His aide, His guidance, His strength.  It is the same when we reach out to other people.  We only ask help from people we know would be there for us.  We somehow then EXPECT God to be there when we ask for His help… with faith and trust.  And as we turn to Him, we find that hope again.

That is the message of this season to ALL OF US!  It is not anymore the angels who come and deliver the message, but God Himself, in His Divine Being, born into our world, Who has come to say, ‘Do not be afraid.  I am with you always.  I have come that you may have life, and that you may have it in full.’

I buried myself a long time ago.  To be continued…

My sister sent me this and I thought it had to do with my physical injury since I’ve been going to my doctors A LOT recently (may even have to see an orthopedic), but it’s actually… well, check it out.  It is a very fitting prescription for me.  The symptoms and diagnosis they talk about, it’s like looking at my own chart. 

Lord, You alone can heal me of my infirmities.  Give me the strength to overcome my weaknesses and the willingness to submit to Your healing power, Amen.  

“If you really listen to the voice of the LORD, your God,” he told them, “and do what is right in his eyes: if you heed his commandments and keep all his precepts, I will not afflict you with any of the diseases with which I afflicted the Egyptians; for I, the LORD, am your healer.” (Exodus 15:26)

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   - – – > Regular checkup

10. Love Yourself:
As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself?  You were created by me for one reason only — to be loved, and to love in return.  I am a God of love.  Love Me.  Love your neighbors.  But also love yourself.  It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong.   You are very precious to me.  Don’t ever forget.

I love this song.  This is my favorite line but I could never relate to it for I’ve never been surrounded by hatred or been put in the middle of it.  Not until this morning did I realize where the hatred was coming from.

I was driving to church this morning actually saying in my mind and heart ‘I hate you God!’.  People have said God can take your anger and I felt so free opening up to Him.  One of those honest moments with Him.  “I HATE YOU!!!”

And then for responsorial psalm at Mass today, this is what they sung.

So it is in the face of hatred within my heart that You STILL set a banquet of love.  I don’t understand.

Shepherd me O God

What is it about priests that make me think highly of them?  It’s their commitment to living for God and preaching about God.  And to surrender with such depth means they BELIEVE in God.

I STRUGGLE to believe in God.  It doesn’t come naturally.  And I force myself to believe because nothing else would have meaning.  Not even my life.

I go through these rituals of prayers, going to Mass and to confession, and so forth.  A very small part of me moves me to do them.  But I question and I doubt.  I doubt even the existence of God.  He is One I hold on to for guidance, comfort, and healing, yet I cannot be 100% truthful when say I believe He is real. 

Lord, I believe… Help my unbelief.

Everyone will tell you to let it go and move on, but DON’T. 

Instead, let it fester and boil inside of you.

Take these feelings and lock them away.  Let them fuel your actions.

Let hate be your ally and you will be capable of wonderfully horrid things.

Heed my words.  DON’T LET GO!!!

Those are very powerful words, especially when you hear them at your lowest point, when all seems to be going wrong and you don’t have any ounce of strength to move forward.  But remember that those words are from the evil one.  It speaks neither of peace nor forgiveness, and definitely not of love.

God on the other hand teaches, commands! us to forgive others, even ourselves… and to love.

“Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?”

He said to him, “You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.   This is the greatest and the first commandment.

The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Matthew 22: 36-39